Dirty little secret
by Riivaaja
Summary: Josh has a little secret that he doesn't want any one to know about. And for obvious reasons. Waring Rape
1. 1

Title: Dirty Little Secret Author: Riivaaja Rating: NC-17 (yes kiddies beware) Spoilers: Let's say season one for sure. Maybe a little of season two. Disclaimer: The characters you recognize belong to Adam Sorkin and NBC. The ones you don't belong to me. No money is being made off of this. Summery: Josh has a little secret that he doesn't want any one to know about. And for obvious reasons.

Authors Note: RAPE! Yes a man can be raped by a woman. This isn't a fun story. It will be written in a few parts. This is the first time I have ever written a West Wing story and anything that is in first person POV. It was an experience. The English is probably not correct but it is written the way people think and speak. Lots of fragments.

Part One

I so need to go away. Tonight it is. I took off Friday and the rest of the weekend. No one knows where I am going. I have booked myself into a golf spa. Just me and the green. I really need this. I think the whole office agrees with me. They might not know it all, but I have been working very hard lately. Not that we all don't. I wave good bye to everyone. I leave my cell phone and pager with Donna. I'll pick them back up on Monday morning when I come into work. I tell Donna to take tomorrow off too. I think I shocked her. Oh well, attribute it to me going away from Washington for three days. All I have to do is go home finish packing and make it to the airport. Blessed peace is a mere 4 hours away. I think I'm whistling as I walk home. What? Can't a guy be in a good mood? There are no scandals brewing. Everyone is playing nicely. I couldn't have planned a better time for me to take a vacation. Hey maybe I'll even get lucky. I know it's hard to believe but I've been celibate for the past 3 months. I know, I guy like me? But face it. I'm pretty busy. That reminds me; pick up condoms before the flight. Hey I don't want to get any one pregnant now. And it's inconsiderate of my not to provide my own protection. I don't even bother with the elevator. I take the steps two at a time. Ok, now I'm starting to scare myself. I fish my keys out of my pants pocket and open the door. Home Sweet Home. I walk into my room put down my bag and move to my closet to get my suitcase. "You're home." I spin around at the voice. And nearly trip. That was a female voice. There are no females that live here. At least they didn't when I left here this morning. She stands there. She is taller than I am. Almost as tall as CJ, I turn my head, maybe taller. Except I know this is not CJ. She is pale. Her hair is jet black. She is wearing a black leather outfit that is very exotic. I clear my voice, "Can I help you?" "You kidder. Don't you play that you don't know me." She is moving closer to me. I back up. I don't like where this is going. Her hands are behind her back. "Look I think this is some kind of mistake." My back is to the wall, quite literally I might add. She puts her arms on either side of me and presses me into the wall. "Now lover, is that how you treat your secrete admirer." There is a flash of metal out of the corner of my eye and she now has a blade to my throat. Oh shit.

I had been getting strange letters for the past month or so. Love notes or so everyone at work thinks. They keep asking me who it is; I tell them it's nothing. I don't think that they believed me. I think they believe I'm running away this weekend to be with her. I wasn't, but it looks like they were right. Don't get me wrong, I'm the first to gloat when I get a love letter or something like that. Don't ask me why, I don't know. It was sitting in with the regular mail that Donna sorts for me. My personal mail gets put in my office. This letter definatly looked personal. Lilac envelope, purple lettering, my name neatly printed on it. No return address. No biggie to me. I open it. The contents are what made me keep this from my friends. It's very raunchy. Not that I would hide that from anyone, especially CJ, Sam, and Toby. You should hear us when we let our hair down. But this was sick. All of the letters were disturbing. They talked about how this person wanted to tie me up and do all sorts of things to me; most of them involved the spilling of my blood. That's what got me. Hey I have a healthy libido and an open mind. There is nothing wrong with a little S&M. But when blood is talked about, that turns me off. I know I should have taken it to the secrete service but to be honest I was kind of embarrassed by it. All the letters where like that. There were ten of them in all. Maybe that's why I wanted to get away. I try not to think about the letters as she handcuffs my hands behind me and blind folds me. Did I mention I'm scared shitless? I try and listen to find out where she is when something clamps my balls. This is definatly not good. She is massaging and fondling me. It's not a good kind of fondle. I feel kind of dirty. Worse, my body is liking it. Stupid body. I try and ignore the hand as it works. Oh god, I can't help but moan. I feel the fabric of my clothing straining against my dick. Down, I try and tell it. Does it listen of course not. Did I mention I haven't had sex in three months and it feels good being someone else's hand doing all the work? I am educated enough to logically know that the body is a tool and if it is manipulated correctly you can get it to go anything you want it to. I repeat that as I feel my body betray me and come. My pants are now wet and I'm out of breath. "You liked that didn't you?" She whispers in my ear. I don't answer I'm still kind of shaken. I'm suddenly tossed towards the bed and held down kneeling on the floor. I know it's my bed because it's soft. She is pressing down on my neck, pushing my face in to the mattress. "You utter one sound and you'll get more." More? More what? Swat Oh. I don't know what she is hitting me with. It might be a paddle. I try not to make a sound. It hurts. She is strong. She yanks my head back by my hair. "Do you know what that was for?" "Nope, not a clue." I answer. I can't help it. She pushes me back down into the mattress. She is squishing my nose. "The first ten were for messing your pants. You my dear need to learn some control. The next ten are for your smart ass answer. And the final ten are to teach you manners."

Twenty strokes later there are tears in my eyes, but I haven't uttered a sound. My ass is on fire. She removes her hand from my head. I don't move. Who knows what might happen. "Stand up." She orders. Stand up? Ok. "Yes ma'am." I answer. It takes me a few seconds. First, I don't have good balance with out my hands free and I can't see anything either. Second I'm kinds sore from kneeling for what seemed like an eternity. Oh and did I mention my ass is on fire. I guess she didn't take that into consideration. As soon as I'm on my feet there is a slap across my face that makes me stumble. I think the wall saved me from falling on my ass. She pulls me away from it and now I don't know where in the room I am. "When I say move you move. You got that?" "Yes Ma'am." She caresses my face with one hand. Then I feel the sharp blade at my neck. "Let's get you out of these clothes." The blade is sharp. My clothing doesn't give any resistance to it. She starts at my neck. I feel it go down my left arm. Then back at the neck and down the right. I'm happy I left the tie at work. It was a present from CJ, and I liked it. She would be pissed if I didn't wear it again. Again at the neck this time down my front. I feel the shirt fall away from my body. She then tugs on my belt buckle. "I have a use for this later." She purrs. I think I'm going to be sick. The blades slide down each of the pants legs and they fall away along with my boxers. Then there is nothing but air. I don't know hold long I stand there naked. I think I'm trembling. I don't know if it's cold or fear. I try and listen for something. But I don't hear anything. Could she have left? Hopefully. I should try and get this blind fold off. I wait a few more seconds. I must have been standing here for six minutes now. I move my foot when something slaps my ass. That stung. "Who told you to move?" Slap "I know it wasn't me." Slap! "And I'm the only one doing the talking." Slap! "How many is that now?" Slap! "Four Ma'am" I answer. I deserve this. I shouldn't have moved. "Six more. I want you to count them. Start with five." Slap "Five." Slap. "Six" Slap. "Seven." Slap "Eight." Slap "Nine." Slap "Ten" I finally groan out. I just want to collapse. I try not to jump when I feel her hand on my ass. "Mmmm. Nice and warm. We will definatly have to reheat this later." She squeezes my left ass cheek. Oh god does that hurt. Then I'm left alone again. I count to myself. I get to 720 second. I can't believe I've stayed still that long. Over ten minutes. Toby would be so proud. I'm pushed down. Luckily the bed is behind me. I let my body fall in what ever matter it falls in. She grabs my ankles and pulls. Before I know it my cock is engulfed in wet heat. Her mouth is on me. She takes me all the way in, all the way to the root. It's not that I'm huge, but I'm not that little either. I like to think that eight inches is a nice size. She's good. She's sucking and I'm going to loose it. I've had blow jobs before. Very few this good. I try and hold back my orgasm. I don't want her to hurt me. Her teeth are running up the length of my cock. My hips move involuntarily. I want to be back in that heat. There is a stabling pressure at the base of my cock. "You are such a little slut." She laughs. The sharp point digs deeper into my skin. I whimper. "Don't move." And once again I'm engulfed in heat. I can't think. Her mouth is sucking me, her tongue swirling its way up and down my length. Her hands find my balls and she starts to fondle them. I can't help but moan. I'm so close. Her teeth scrape me as she moves up. I'm panting. I just want to come. I'm at the edge. There is something being tied around my cock. It's tight, almost painful. "That should help you control yourself." The assault starts again. I should not be enjoying this. Why is my body betraying me like this? My cock is straining against what ever she tied it with. I try to find something to focus on. Anything but the pleasure coming from my penis.


	2. 2

Part Two (feel free to back out now)

She's making me go to work today. After everything that happened this weekend. She expects me to go into work and pretend that nothing happened. Then I'm supposed to come back home tonight. Everything hurts. What am I going to tell them at work? They will all know that something happened. I can't let them know. It they know, then she'll know. I can't let that happen. Too many bad things have already happened to this presidency. I can't let anything else happen. Anyway who would believe me? I spent the weekend tied up and blindfolded while some woman had her way with me. I know what it's called but that doesn't mean I'll say it. Someone bumps into me and I wince in pain. Everything hurts. I don't know exactly what she did, but I felt it and saw some of the marks this morning. It was also the only time she allowed me to come all weekend. I was aroused and sustained an erection for over 48hrs. She got off plenty.

A hand touches my shoulder and I jump. "Josh you ok?" Donna asks me.  
I look around. Huh? I made it to the office with out realizing it. "Earth to Josh." She calls again, and reaches out to me. I quickly move out of the way. "I'm fine Donna." I don't want anyone to touch me.  
"Okay. I got your phone for you." She hands it to me and I walk into  
my office. Great, Donna knows something up. I hang my over coat up and wince. I leave the suit jacket on. It's less painful if I don't move too much. Also it's easier to hide the brusies this way. And I want as much between my skin and the outside world as possible. A knock on my door and Donna walks in. "Senior staff in five." "Okay. Thanks again for holding my phone." "You sure you ok?" "Yes, Donna. Can you print out my schedual for today?" "Sure." "Thanks." I better start making my way up to leo's office. It's going to take me that long to get there.

"Look who made it back." Sam slaps me on the back. I jump away and squeal in pain. Not very manly I know. "Josh?" "Sorry Sam. Sunburn." It seems like a good lie. "Fell asleep on your stomach again?" One beach party in college and they never let you live it down. "Uh huh." "So did you have a good time?" "Yeah, it was fine." I try and sound enthused. I don't even buy it. There are more well wishers though out the day. New of my sunburn quickly spreads, so people are being kind. Asking me to let them know if I need anything. Donna has even asked me if I need help getting my suit jacket off. I have two meetings today and I spend the rest of my day in my office prepareing. We are all pretty busy, so no one thinks me hiding in my office unusual. Some how I'm able to hide my panic during my meetings. The pain dulls through out the day. 6pm comes and there is nothing more for me to do. My phone rings. "Josh I'm waiting." "Yes Ma'am." I reply automatically. "You coming home soon?" "Yes, ma'am." And she disconnects "Josh you ok?" I spin at toby's voice. "Yeah, what's up?" Please let it be something that will keep me here. "I'm heading home. You want me to give you a lift? You still seem to be in a bit of pain." If you only knew how much, Toby. "Thanks." "You want to grab some pizza and watch the game?" Shit. "Naw, I'm just gonna go home, strip and lather myself in aloe." "Now there's a mental image." We make more small talk on the way home. I'm not really listening. Home is getting closer and closer. "You sure you are ok?" "Yeah Toby. Thanks for the lift." I really don't want to go home.


	3. 3

Part Three (I won't be upset if you stop now.)

The door is open and she is in the wall way waiting for me. She kisses me on the cheek. I flinch, and she takes the bag from my hands. "Dinner is ready." She says sweetly. I go and sit at the table. She's being nice again, like she was this morning, after my shower. She places food on both our plates. Roasted chicken, red potatoes, and string beans. I pick at the chicken, skip the potatoes, and eat all my greens. I'm in a veggie mood. I sip the glass of water that is infront of me. I'm weary. I don't know what she is thinking. I'm scared of her. I don't look up at her. " You done?" She asks. "Yes Ma'am." I put my hands on my lap. I see her rhands take my plate and she dissappers into the kitchen. I wonder id she would hear me if I ran for the door. "Come in here Joshua." She must be reading my mind. I walk into the kitchen with my eyes down. "Strip and fold your clothing. You can put them on the counter." "Yes ma'am." At least this suit won't be ruined. I start with my tie and shirt. Next goes my belt, pants and socks. I catch her out of the corner of my eye. She is leaning against the sink, arms folded drumming her fingers on her arm. She looks impatient. I try and move quicker with my tee shirt and boxers. "Turn around." She orders. I follow. I feel her hand on my ass. "We'll warm these up soon." She ties a blindfold over my eyes again. "I got a surprise for you." She takes my right hand and leads me away. I don't know where I am. I think it's the extra bedroom. She moves my right arm above my head and ties something to it. She repeats the process with my left. I feel her hands now tieing something around my left ankle. My right leg is pulled out a little further and I feel slightly off balance and stretched as she ties that ankle up. Her fingernails run down my back and they stop on my ass. One of her fingers continues the journey and runs down my crack. When it travels back up it is in between the cheeks. It leaves and I feel nothing. Something cold is shoved up my ass. It is long, hard and thick. I bite my lip. She would not want me to scream. It hurts. It starts to move. More like vibrating. The pain becomes pleasure. I'm getting hard again. The vibrator is resting on my prostate. I feel her hands tieing something aroung my cock. She licks the tip which I'm siure was leaking. Then there is nothing but arousal. I just want to come. I know not to beg. Did that over the weekend. Bad idea. The first blow comes as a surprise to me. It's to my side. It is quickly followed by a second, third, and fourth. Before I can catch my breath she is working on the other side. A moment of nothing. The paddle on my ass. I try and count in my head. But the vibrator is making it impossible. Pain, pleasure, pain pleasure. That is all my body knows. I loose track of time. As quickly as it started it ends. I'm sweating. She pulls the vibrator out and unties my ankles. She rubs them to make sure they aren't too cramped. My hands are untied and slowly lowered to my sides. She leads me into the bathroom, I can tell by the tiles on the floor, and has me sit on the toilet. This means I can go to the bathroom. It is odd walking with an erection and your ass on fire inside and out. When I'm done she wipes my ass. The toilet paper feels more like sandpaper.  
She leads me into the shower. "Hands out." I put my hands on the  
tiled wall. "You want to come?" She licks my earlobe. "Yes Ma'am." "How badly?" "Very ma'am." My voice is threatening to shake. "10 strokes?" "Yes ma'am." "20?" "Yes Ma'am." "How about 30?" "Yes, Ma'am." I can't help the quiver anymore. "How about I decide. You count." "Yes Ma'am." Slap, "One." Slap. "Two." She stops at 25. I'm out of breath. "Put your hand on your cock." I obey. "You feel how large it is? Find the bow and untie it." I obey. "Stroke yourself. Show me how much you care about it. Love it Josh." I move my hand. It takes a little longer that I thought it would. I guess it's been trained well. She turns the water on. After a few minutes I feel it hit my body. She takes the blind fold off. "You better hurry, Joshua. It's already 6am. You don't want to be late. I'll lay your clothing out for you." And she leaves. I stand under the hot water and let it try and take away some of the physical pain, while my tears work on the emotional. After five minutes or so I quickly wash my hair and body. If I thought yesterday was bad to day is going to be worse. I step out to shave and brush my teeth. It's a good thing I have an electic razor. I might have bled to death otherwise. I dry off and head to the bedroom. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My normally pale, white skin, is a rainbow of colors. Today is going to be much worse. I quickly get dressed and I'm met with my bag. "I packed you a sandwich and a bottle of advil. You have a good day and I'll see you later. And you better some home or you know what will happen." "Yes Ma'am." If I tell, well, we all know the scandle it would cause if the Deputy Chief of Staff is seen in S& M pictures. I don't remember ever hearing a camera but I'm not always coherent.

It takes me even longer to get to work today. I'm walking much slower. It even hurts to breath. How am I going to sit through all my meetings? Today and tomorrow I'm swamped with meetings about the education bill. We have to get this through congress. "Josh you are late." "I know Donna." She follows me into my office. I open my bag and dig out the Advil. "Can you do me a huge favor? Find me a cup of tea with honey and lemon?" "Sure Josh, You ok?" Not really but I can't tell you. I take three advil dry. "Not really. I think I'm coming down with something." It seems better than the sunburn story from yesterday. I grab a pen and pad. "You want me to talk to Toby or Sam about your meetings?" "Thanks Donna, but no. I'll be fine. Let me go. If you can also get me some toast with grape jelly that would be wonderful." "Sure Josh. I'll have them here by the time you get back." "You are an angle." I really mean it. I leave, I'm going to be late.

"Josh you are late." Leo tells me as I enter his office. "I know. I'm sorry." There are no excuses. "You okay? You don't look so good. Are you going to be up for today and tomorrow?" The president added. Truthfully probably not. But I'm going to die trying. "I'm probably just catching a cold sir. I should be ok." "Good man Josh."

I spend the staff meeting standing. I'm not sure I'd be able to get back up if I was to sit. Something doesn't feel right in my pants. After the president dismisses us I make my way into the men's room. Oh Fuck! There is blood in my underwear. I take a few deep breaths. Okay. I can handle this. I take some toilet paper and shove it up my ass. That should hopefully stop it.

There is tea and toast on my desk when I get back. I thank Donna yet again. I should really stop doing that. She is giving me odd looks. I must try and act like my normal self. I stand at my desk while checking my e mail and schedual. I have ten minutes before my first meeting. I nible at the toast. I'm not really hungry but I need something with the Advil. I grab my folders, note pad, extra pens, tea and Advil. "Okay Donna, I'm off. You know where I'll be if you need me." The Advil is starting to work, and everything is now a dull ache. I make it to the conference room early. I've given myself 90 minutes for each meeting. I ease myself into a chair. I lay out my notes and get ready for my meetings. I try and focus on these meetings, not what is happening at home.

Donna walks in during the third meeting with a note. 'Lunch soon. Chinese food?' I write back. 'Chix and broc. Thanks.' She smiles as she leaves. I wonder what these guys in front of me are thinking. I finish the fourth meeting of the morning and take two more Advil. I know I'm probably over doing it with the pain killers but it's allowing me to function. These are the seventh pill I took so far today. I don't think I'm supposed to take more than eight. My lunch is waiting for me when I get back to my office. I close the door, telling Donna not to disturb me unless it's an emergency. There are some things I need to do before the next meeting. If she thinks that this is odd she says nothing. I really need a break from human contact for a bit. My afternoon is a blur of meetings and Advil. At 6:30 I tell Donna I'm leaving and make a quiet exit. I really don't want to run into anybody I know. I don't want them to see me and know what's going on.

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	4. 4

Part 4 (It's almost over.)

When I get home she is standing in the doorway. "You're late." She says. I start to apologize as I walk in the door. But she slaps my face, which spins me, and shoves me into the closed door. The paddle falls on my ass, punctuating each word as she speaks it. "You are late. If you are going to be late you call me. Got that?" "Yes Ma'am."  
"Strip you have two minutes." I move as quickly as I can. "What's this?" She is pulling the toilet paper out of me. "I was bleeding Ma'am." She caresses my cheek. "Poor Joshua." She pauses a moment. "But you still need to be punished." She puts a blind fold on me again. "Kneel." I obey. Something is placed on the floor. She bends me over. I smell food. "Eat your dinner. Hands behind you." I put my face into the plate and my toungue darts out to see what is there. Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and peas. I skip the meat. I think I've had five bites of food before she pulls me up. "Dinners over." That's ok, I wasn't all that hungry anyway. She leads me into the guest room again. She has me kneel on a padded bench. I wonder where she got this from. I never had anything like this before. She ties my hands back up over my head. Something is slid over my penis. It's a little prickily and there is something that sticks into the slit. My ass is spread and the vibrator is inserted again. Straps go around my waist and between my legs. Her hands caress my chest. She teases my nipples. "I so want to pierce these babies. Then we can use some weights and stretch them so nicely. She uses her fingernails to pinch them. She ties a rope around my neck. It has a slip knot. I feel it at my throat. It's snug not tight. Where could she have tied it to? I hear a beep and the vibrator starts to move. Oh god. That hurts. There are spikes in that thing she put on my cock. It is being pierced. It's not going to let me come either. I must have screamed because something this put in my mouth. Just when I think it can't get any worse I feel a sting on my back. It is accompanied by a crack. I jerk and the rope tightens around my neck. I'm going to die tonight.

Unfortunatly I don't. It all just stops. I don't expect it and it supprises me more than the next blow would have. She unties me and leads me into the bathroom. It's more like dragging today. I can barely move. I don't think I can do this anymore. She helps me into the shower and allows me to jerk off. My cock is all slippery and a few tugs is all it takes. It hurts so much. Again the water is turned on the blindfold removed. I can't help but cry. My penis is bleeding. There are holes in it. I think I'm going to be sick. The water is red with my blood. Can I make it through the day? She comes back into the bathroom. "Joshua, you are going to be late. I called you a cab. Come out of the shower and I'll help you get ready." She puts cotton in my behind, which is also bleeding and helps me into some clothing. She has also shaved me face and brushed my hair for me. The cab beeps. I don't want to go. I'm still bleeding. I can feel it sticking to my clothing. I have my bag in my hands. The thought of it on my shoulders hurts. I forgo an outer coat. I can't put anything else on my body with out collapsing. I ease myself into the cab. Every movement hurts. How much more can I stand? I think of my schedual. I should have no problem leaving the office at 6pm. I fish the advil out of my bag and take four dry. The cab pulls up to the White House. I pay the guy and try and focus on walking through the halls. First there is a staff then other meetings. I hear people mumble things to me, they are probably saying hi. I just ignore them. I just want to get to my office. "Josh you look horrible." Sam says. "I'm fine." "The sunburn?" "Getting better." "See ya." And he walks away. I must get to my office. "Morning Josh." "Morning Donna." "There is toast and tea already in your office." God I could hug the woman. That is if I was able to move my arms at least. "Thanks Donna. After staff I'm heading to my first meeting. You know how to get me, if you need to." I move slowly around my office. I feel my shirt sticking to my back. I take a look at what I'm wearing. At least she had the common sense to pull out a black suit for me. It's easier to hide the blood. I'm moving slow and stiff as I enter the Oval Office. "Josh you ok?" "Yes Mr. President." I hate lying to that man. "You sure. You look pale and you are walking funny." You would be too if there was cotton up your ass and your chest, back, and cock were all bleeding. "Had a bad night." I say instead. "I can see that. I know today is crazy for you. But if you can't do this let us know." Oh god. He knows. I can't let him think that I can't do my job. Can't let anyone know that I am beaten every night by some woman. There is more than beatings going on but I don't want to think of that right now. "I'll be fine sir." I answer. I don't believe itr. I look down at the floor. I feel everyone's eyes on me. Can they see the blood? The rope burns? We are dismissed and I head to my meetings. I hear people wish me luck. A lot depends on these meetings. I hope I do a good job. The pain never dulls today. I'm constantly standing and sitting. I'm taking two advil every two hours or so. I go to keep going. Donna comes in again about lunch. Chicken broth is all I think I can manage. I'm really not feeling all that well. My stomach is bothering me. I think its from the Advil. At least that is what I tell myself. I eat in my office alone again. I wonder if I can find something to keep me busy tomorrow. Maybe a major crisis that will take me out of town for the weekend. I think that the bleeding has stopped. But I'm too scared to look. My last meeting ends at 5:15. I'm on edge. I can't really concentrate. I'm thinking of home. I wonder what will happen. I get to my office and go through my e mails and schedual. Donna's knock on my door at 5:45 startles me. 15 more minutes then I got to get out of here. I look at her. "Leo called. He wants you, Sam, Toby, and CJ." "Okay." Oh shit. I get up. Maybe it won't be too long.

"Josh." "Yeah Sam." "Good job today." "Thanks." I say honestly. "After this I'll give you a lift home." "Thanks Sam. I was gonna call a cab." "No sweat." We walk into Leo's office and everyone takes a seat. That is except for me. I perch myself on the arm of the couch that CJ is sitting on. "Don't worry. This is good. I just wanted to congradulate you Josh. Great Job. The bill is gonna get through congress." He smiles at me. Something smacks me in the stomach. My cock reacts to the pain. She has trained it real well. I jump. "Why the fuck must you hit me." I yell. I look around the room. Oh shit. I run.

"Donna if anyone comes for me tell them I'll be out in ten minutes." I lock my office door and sit at my desk. It is becoming too much for me. I tear off my jacket and tie. I unbutton my collar and sleeves as the first waves of nausua hit. I pick up my trash can just in time. Everything that I have eaten today, not a lot, has come up. I feel my back and chest is wet as is the front of my pants. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. What am I going to do. I can't handle this. I put my head on the desk

End


	5. 5

Dirty Little Secrets part 5

Toby's POV

We are all stunned. CJ is the first to talk. "I-I didn't" She stumbles on the words.  
It's ok CJ. You didn't do anything wrong. There is something up with Josh these past few days." Leo says as he heads out of the office. We all just follow him.

Donna looks up at us as we surround her desk. "Is he?" Leo asks as he motions to the closed door.  
"He asked for 10 minutes about 5 minutes ago." She answers and looks us all in the face. She knows there is something wrong too.  
"Donna have you noticed anything different about Josh lately?" Leo sits down on the edge of her desk.  
"He's been busy with all the meetings for the education bill. But even when I have seen him, he's been withdrawn, quiet."  
"He's been moving oddly." Sam adds. "He said it is a sunburn from the weekend, but I don't buy it."  
Leo looks pensive. Thinking about everything that has been going on the past week with Josh. I know because I think I have a similar look on my face. "Donna, you go into his office in a few minutes and let him know we are here. We are all going in there." He lets us know his plan.  
There are no noises coming from Josh's office and the suspense is killing all of us. We end up giving him two more minutes before sending Donna in. We all watch, holding our breaths as she unlocks his door and slips into the room closing it behind her.  
A few seconds later she comes back out. She looks pale. There is something definitely wrong. "Is he in there?" Leo is our spokes person.  
Donna is definitely flustered. "Yeah, he's asleep. Uhm, I think you should go in and take a look for yourself. But be really quiet."  
"Donna what are we looking at?" I don't like games. Especially if they involve people I care about.  
"You shouldn't be able to miss it, but look at his back and wrists." I now see the tears in her eyes.  
We enter Josh's office. I see exactly what Donna was talking about. We all do. I move closer. I wonder if he is still breathing. I check that while the others are rooted to their spots.  
There are red lines, slowly growing wider, seeping across the back of his blue shirt. His wrists are rubbed red. I notice similar marks on his neck and the front of his shirt. When I stand back up Leo motions us to leave the room.  
We are congregated around Donna's desk again when I tell of my findings. "He is breathing. He is also bleeding on his chest and he has burn marks on his neck too."  
"What's he gotten into?" CJ asks.  
"I don't know, but it doesn't look healthy." No shit Sam. "We need to get him help."  
"I know someone." Leo says as he picks up the phone. We listen to the one sided conversation that Leo is having. He is asking for a Robert Hodges. He turns back to us after a bit. "A doctor is on his way. He is a friend of mine and works in a small hospital. He should be here in about 20 minutes. We are going to need to wake him soon. I want to know his story."  
"I'll do it." Sam volunteers.  
"Okay. We might have to strong arm him into letting this doctor see him. CJ, Donna, I'm not excluding you I just think that this will be hard enough for Josh without you guys around."  
"Got you Leo. Do you want me to tell the president?" CJ asked.  
"Not till I know more. Are you two going to be able to keep everyone away?"  
"I think we can."  
"Okay Sam do your thing." "Wait." Donna calls. We watch as she pulls a can of soda out of her desk. He was vomiting before. This might help. Sam nods, and we watch as Sam walks into Josh's office. We have no idea what's happening in there. I figure that if Sam needs back up he will ask for it.

Sam's POV.

I can do this. I keep telling myself. I'm his best friend. I walk into the room with everyone staring at me. I'm scared for him. He looks bad. I tap him on the shoulder. "Hey, Josh. Time to wake up."  
"I'm up." He mumbles and tries to move. He doesn't get too far.  
"Let me help you." I offer. I can feel him wince in pain. This is not good.  
"There is Advil on my desk. Can you get me 4?"  
Four Advil? Aren't you supposed to only take like two of them at a time? I look at Josh again. He looks to be in a lot of pain. Maybe he will talk more if he is in less pain. I open the bottle and put four pills in his hand and offer him the open can of soda.  
I don't think that Josh knows what's going on yet. He takes the pills and some soda. I watch him closely. I see him look down at his arms and recognition covers his face. I better get this started. "Josh, we need to talk."  
It's almost like he doesn't hear me. "I got to make a phone call." He answers.  
"Josh."  
"Sam. Alone please. I'll be out soon." And he picks up the phone. I shrug my shoulders and walk back outside.  
Four pairs of eyes look at me when I open the door. "He needed to make a phone call." I explain. Leo and Toby go over to empty desks and pick up phones. CJ and I exchange glances and do the same.

Josh's POV

Everything hurts. I need more Advil. Thank god for Sam. Oh shit. What is that on my arms? It is then that everything comes back. Oh shit, oh shit. Sam's here. That means everyone else is close by. He has seen the marks. He knows. I look at the clock. Double shit. It's close to 6:30. I'm starting to panic. Sam is saying something to me.  
"I got to make a phone call." I tell him.  
"Josh."  
Why isn't he leaving me? "Sam. Alone please. I'll be out soon." I'll make up something to tell him. I see Sam nod and close the door. As soon as he's out I pick up the phone and dial.  
I'm sweating as the phone rings. "Hello?" She answers.  
"I'm going to be late."  
"You already are."  
I gulp. "I know Ma'am."  
"Why didn't you call?" She sounds pissed.  
"I fell asleep Ma'am."  
"No excuse." She berates me.  
I cringe. "Yes Ma'am."  
"When are you leaving?"  
"In 30 minutes Ma'am." It shouldn't take me that long to resign.  
"20 Joshua. And I'll be looking for you."  
"Yes Ma'am." I feel so defeated.  
"I have a surprise for you. I picked up some plastic hoops. If I pierce your nipples tonight they should be ready to play with by Friday night."  
"Yes Ma'am." I'm going to be sick again.  
"And Joshua, you will be wearing spikey again tonight for not calling me sooner."  
"Yes Ma'am." And she hangs up. I do the same and move to make myself presentable. It takes me a bit because I'm feeling a bit lightheaded. Maybe I'll pass out tonight.

Leo's POV

How could this have happened? I'm in crisis mode now. As soon as Josh disconnects the phone I dial for the secrete service. "There is a woman at Josh Lyman's residence. I want her picked up quietly in less than 20 minutes. Hold her until I get there." Part one is taken care of. Now I must deal with my staff.  
"That's sick." CJ says. She has never been known to mince words.  
"Yes it is." Intervention is going to happen now. "Donna. Let us know when Dr. Hodge gets here."  
"Yes sir.  
I motion for Sam to walk in first. In all honesty he is the least threatening of any of us. "Josh." He calls.  
"Sam I'll be out in a second. I just need to finish this."  
We all walk into the office. I take a good look at my deputy. He is back in his chair with the suit jacket and tie back on. He looks very pale. There are dark circles under his eyes and he looks like he lost a lot of weight. "What are you doing?" I ask. I seem him typing at his computer.  
"I'm sorry Leo. I'm almost done with my letter of resignation. Then I just have to apologize to CJ."  
I guess he doesn't realize she is in the room. I look around. I see her in the corner. Away from Josh.  
"Josh, talk to me."  
"About what Leo."  
"Joshua, what's going on?"  
"I'm done Leo. I'm sorry." I see he is starting to get worked up.  
"Calm down. You don't need to resign."  
"Yes I do."  
There is a knock on the door and Donna peeks her head in. "He's here."  
"Send him in." I tell her.  
Dr. Robert Hodges is an elderly man. He shakes my hand as he walks into the office. "What is this Leo?" Josh asks.  
"This is Dr. Hodges. He is going to check you out."  
Josh looks like a caged animal. "There is no reason. I'm fine." He says slowly. As if he is trying to convince himself.  
"Josh." Sam starts forward. "We saw your back." He says softly.  
Josh stands quickly. He is trying to back away from all of us. Okay maybe this isn't going to be as easy as I thought it would be. His legs give way and he falls to the floor. Sam and Toby move to catch him, but his "No." Stops them in their tracks.  
There is another knock. "Leo, Line 5." Donna tells me.  
Without looking away from Josh I pick up the phone. "Yes."  
"Mr. McGarry. We have the woman in custody. We are brining her back to house to hold her."  
"You got her?"  
"Yes sir. We have called in our guys to look over this place. They are collecting samples and such. We will let you know where we are once we get her situated."  
"Okay." And I hang up. "Josh." I wait for him to look at me. He is sitting on the floor. Sam and Toby are standing on each side of him with their hands at their sides and a few steps away. "The woman who was you're your apartment is now in the custody of the secret service."

CJ's POV

Josh looks like he is going to loose it any second. I don't know how much more he can take of this. I don't know how much more I can. "Oh god." He says as he breaks down into tears.  
Sam goes to move closer. "Don't touch me." Josh yells. Sam backs up.  
"Josh you are bleeding. We want to help you." Sam tries to explain.  
Toby kneels down by Josh. "Joshua, please. We aren't going to hurt you."  
"I can't." Josh is still crying.  
"Joshua, Get up." I can't do this any more. This soft handling of him isn't working. Time for some tough love.  
I'm surprised he listens to me "Yes Ma'am." He answers. He tries to stand.  
"Josh, Let Toby and Sam help you." Leo adds when Josh can't get up.  
"No."  
"Josh. Toby and Sam are going to pick you up and put you on the couch." I order again.  
"Yes Ma'am." He closes his eyes as Toby and Sam help him stand. I understand why he is listening to me. That doesn't mean I have to like doing this.

Toby's POV

It's nice to see that at least one of us here has taken a psychology class or two. I move slowly. All my moves deliberate. I see Sam trying to mimic me. That's good. I look at Sam. He seems to be troubled by all of this. Hell we all are.  
We move him to his chair. I look down at the floor and notice a stain. I look at the back of Josh's pants next. There seems to be a wet spot there. I sniff the air. No. It doesn't seem like he soiled himself. "Doctor." I point to the floor.  
"We have to get him out of these cloths." The doctor looks at CJ. "Can you find us some clean blankets and sheets? Something that we can wrap him up in after we undress him?"  
"Yeah." She walks over to Josh and lifts up his face. "Joshua. I want you to listen to Toby. You are to do what he says. Do you understand me?"  
"Yes Ma'am." He answers automatically. It is very scary. It's like he has been programmed. I start to remove Josh's tie and shirt as CJ walks out of the room.  
"Sam." Leo calls him into a corner. I can hear them talking softly. But I don't know about what. I am totally focused on Josh. I hear a door open and close. I look up. Sam is now gone.  
"Josh I need you to lean forward a little." I tell him. The shirt is sticking to him because of the blood. His undershirt is worse. I pick up a pair of scissors and cut it off in pieces. I am horrified at his chest and back. Besides there being numerous slashing marks his skin in a rainbow of colors.  
"This man has been abused. What happened?" The doctor is by my side. He has on a pair of gloves.  
"We don't know yet. We are working on it. How is he?" Leo is talking. Good. I don't think I could.  
The doctor looks to be cleaning the cuts. Some have stopped bleeding. Others are still oozing.  
"He should be in a hospital Leo."  
"I know. But we want to keep this under wraps as much as possible."  
"If someone will stay with him at his place I will take of this here. I might need some more supplies."  
"I'll stay." I don't even realize the words come from me until Leo speaks.  
"You sure?"  
I just nod  
"Okay. Bob. Just let me know what you need."  
"Right now I want to take off his pants. Where is that blanket? I don't want him to get too cold."  
"Sam is going to be working on it. He is working on something."  
"Let's look at the other half."  
"Josh." I talk to him slowly. "We are going to have to remove your pants. I'm going to need you to help me a little."  
His belt is no problem. I unbutton the pants and pull down the zipper. The bit of his boxers that I see is red. With Leo's help we get the pants down to his ankles. The red on his boxers has grown. It is deep red at his crotch. Oh god. This is not good. I use the scissors to cut away the underwear and gag.  
Dr. Hodges is immediately there with more gauze. "You okay?" He asks me.  
"No. But neither is he." The doctor nods as he moves my hand to Josh's crotch.  
"Leo. I have it right here." Sam walks back in. He has a pile of cloth in one arm and a piece of paper in the other.  
"Good. Toby, Josh needs to sign this. It gives Sam power of attorney." Leo explains to me as I wrap the blanket around Josh with one hand. The other is still holding the gauze to the bloody mess his penis is in.  
"Joshua. You need to sign this." He doesn't move. The doctor nods to me and I move out of the way so he can clean the bleeding organ. I take a pen and put it in Josh's hand. I move the pen to the paper. "Sign your name Joshua." He listens and does what I tell him. I give the paper back to Sam.  
"Leo. I can't do anything here. He is also bleeding from his rectum. We can take him to my hospital. I can keep it quiet there. I trust the staff there."  
"Okay. I'll get you transport." Leo picks up the phone again. I turn my attention to Josh. He is starting to shiver and his skin in clammy. I can feel his pulse start to race. "I think he is going into shock." The doctor wraps another blanket around Josh's shoulders. I run my hands up and down Josh's arms trying to warm him up.  
"It's probably from the blood loss."  
"Josh. Hang in there. We got you now. It's all going to be ok." I keep talking to him softly. I don't know if he can hear me. I think that this is more for my state of mind than for Josh's.  
"Toby you and CJ go with him. I'm taking Sam." Leo told me. That's fine. I really don't want to leave Josh any way.  
"I'm worried about the blood loss." The doctor interrupted. "Has he eaten anything today?" I don't know. He hasn't had anything to eat with any of us. Was he hiding from us? Maybe if we were there we could have helped him.  
"Let me get Donna."  
"What is it Leo?" She walks into the office with Leo.  
"Has he eaten anything lately?"  
"Nothing much. Just some toast and jelly. He has been taking Advil."  
"Advil? How much?"  
"He took four this morning and 2 more later in the day."  
"He had 4 when he woke up before." Sam adds.  
"That's not good. The Advil has probably thinned his blood. Let's get him out of here."  
Toby secured the blanket tighter around Josh's body and with CJ's help the got him out of the building into the waiting car.

Josh's POV

They found her. At least that's what Leo is saying. But I hear her voice. What is she doing here? How did Leo find her? She is telling me to stand. I try and obey. She tells me to let Toby help. She knows Toby. Oh god, oh god, oh god. Toby is talking to me. They found her and are holding her. They are taking my clothing off. They are going to see all the damage. I can't do this. They are going to see the rope marks, the cuts, the bruises, and my cock. I don't want to think about it. I can't. It's all bloody. I'll never be able to use it again. I can feel their eyes on me. They all know. They all know that this woman raped me. Raped. I can't believe I said that. Raped. I was raped. Iwasrapediwasrapediwasraped Iwasrapediwasrapediwasraped Iwasrapediwasraped!

Toby's POV

I'm standing on Josh's side. I have a hand on his right leg. It's bent up so that his knee is to his chest. I once again look at CJ. She is sitting at the head of the bed with Josh's head in her lap. She is brushing his hair back and murmuring to him. I can't hear what she is saying. I look back at Doctor Hodges.  
We've been here for about 30 minutes already. After a very silent ride to the hospital we were met by two nurses and a gurney. They quickly loaded Josh onto it and wheeled him into this room.  
Josh started to get agitated while we were away from him. He was quiet when we were there. So that is how we ended up in the room while the doctor and nurses are working on him. Josh has been silent since we got in this room. They decided that working on his ass first was best.  
I'm kind of nauseated thinking about what is going on down that end of the bed. I try not to think about it. I'm more worried about Josh's state of mind. He was pretty fragile after being shot. How the hell is he going to deal with this?  
I will be there for him. That much I can promise myself. I won't let this eat him up like it did with Roslyn. I refuse. I run a comforting hand up and down his leg. I try and will him to be okay. If only things were that easy.

After three hours I'm standing outside of Josh's room on a phone by the nurses' station. CJ is sitting at Josh's bedside. They say that he is in a state of shock. It's very unnerving looking at him with his eyes open staring at nothing. They have him hooked up to a bunch of monitors and tubes. But the blank look in his eyes is the most disturbing.  
"Leo." He answers his phone on the second ring.  
"It's me."  
"How is he?"

"He's resting now." At least that's what the nurses tell me. "CJ is sitting with him. It was pretty gruesome. What's going on?"  
"It seems that she had him all weekend. He never made it to his vacation. He was tortured. She confessed. Told us everything in explicit detail. It wasn't pretty. We went through Josh's place. There is blood all over there. We are getting someone to clean it after they are done collecting samples."  
"What's going to happen to her?"

"I pulled some favors and she will be sentenced tomorrow."  
"So quick?"  
"She confessed and her lawyer knows that he has no case. And agrees she should be off the street. We are trying to get her committed. He just had to allocute tomorrow and then she will be sentenced."  
"You are going to need CJ there for the press."  
"Sam, Donna and I are going to be heading over to you in about an hour."  
"Does the president know?"  
"I'll tell him tomorrow morning. He's not going to like it though."  
"We'll deal. See you soon."

"The doctor doesn't know how long Josh is going to be like this." I explain to my co-workers.  
"We are going to have to tell the press something. They are going to realize that Josh is missing." Really CJ? I would have never guessed. I try and not be disgusted with my friends but we are sitting in a waiting area in a hospital talking about policy and politics. I really just want to be there with my friend.  
"Do we have to tell them what happened? I mean not to sound callous but this happened out of the office and we don't comment on the personal lives of staffers correct?" Good job Sam.  
"But we have to tell them something. And I am not going to lie to them."  
I see I'm going to have to add my two cents. "How about Josh was attacked last night. The perp was caught. We will know her sentencing tomorrow correct?" I look at Leo. At his nod I continue. "This was a random act of violence. And not connected in any way with the White House. And the White House doesn't comment on the private lives of staffers."  
They all nod. Good I got them to agree to one thing. Now on to the next piece of business. I know that this one is not going to go over as well. But it needs to be done. "We are going to have to appoint an interim deputy." I see them all look at me like I have three heads. I guess I should explain. "The doctors don't know how long he is going to be like this. It could be days, weeks, or even months. When he wakes up and if he wants we give the office back to him. We don't even know what kind of state he is going to be in when he wakes back up."  
I think I get them to understand. I don't want to take Josh's job from him. But we need to keep functioning. And this way none of us have to feel like we are pressuring Josh into returning to work before he is ready. Which is what I think we did wrong with the shooting. I know I have Sam on my side as he starts to make suggestions of people we can pull.


	6. 6

**Dirty Little Secrets part 6  
**

**Josh's POV**

I really wish Toby would find a way to abolish congress. Life would be so much easier for everyone. I check my mail. I'll look at it after I get comfortable. I still can't believe some of these congress people. Why can't they just agree to something because it is right and good? Why do they need to get something out of it? Jeans and an old tee shirt. I feel better already.

I look over by my bed. Shit. I forgot. I needed a new bulb for the night light. It's already after nine. I'll just have to sleep with the lamp on and get a bulb tomorrow. I really wish I could get over this fear. I feel very childish. Maybe I'll talk to the psychologist about it at my next appointment.

Let's see the mail. Bill, bill, advertisement, junk, bill, large envelop with no return address on it. I toss the rest on to the table and look at the yellow envelope. It's addressed to my old apartment and was forwarded here. The writing is neat and in purple. It looks familiar but I can't place it. Could it be a love letter?

It's kind of heavy. A love book?

I open it and a bunch of 8x10 glossy black and white photos tumble out.

Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god!

**Toby's POV**

Someone needs to turn off that alarm. It's Saturday morning for crying out loud. I roll over to look at the clock by my bed. 11am. So morning is almost over. Damn ringing isn't stopping. Must be my phone. Guess I missed temple this morning. I try and go once a month. Well I went last week.

"Yeah." I answer my phone.

"Toby, I need your help." Donna's voice sounds panicky.

I grab a pair of pants. "What's wrong?" Donna doesn't normally get panicky.

"Josh had a 10am meeting in the office today. He never showed for it. I called his apartment and cell there was no answer. I'm at his place now and I'm knocking but there is no answer. I tried my key, but he has the chain on so I know he is in there. I'm scared."

I'm now looking for a shirt to wear. "I'll be right over." I hang up. This can't be good.

My suspicions are confirmed as I get to Josh's place. We weren't surprised when he told us that he moved. He didn't remember what happened there. But I guess subconsciously he did. He had this place a week after he got home. It is similar to his old place. Just a block in the opposite direction. Josh has also turned a bit paranoid in the months following too.

According to Donna he won't close the door to his office if he is alone. If he is in a meeting he keeps the door open a crack. That is unless one of us is with him. At home he has three different locks on his door. He is also carrying a flashlight in his bag now. The other odd thing is that he seems to have an aversion to Advil.

I know this because he was sitting in my office and complained about a head ache. I offered him Advil and he said that he'd find some Tylenol instead. It's almost as if his body remembers what happened but it won't tell his brain.

Donna has the door open. Well as open as it can be with the chain still on. She is calling Josh's name.

I join Donna in calling Josh's name once or twice. There is still no answer. I look over at Donna. She seems very upset. I look back at the door. Guess I'll owe him a new door. I lift my leg and kick it in.

Uhg. It smells like someone was sick. Donna immediately finds the source in the kitchen. A pool of vomit and urine. This can't be good. "Go find him." Donna says as she grabs the paper towels.

There are only four places that Josh could be. The bathroom and hall closet is empty. I'm looking around the extra bedroom when Donna yells my name. I run into the kitchen. "What?" She interrupted my search. I really want to find Josh now.

She doesn't answer me. She just points to the kitchen table. I follow her finger to a large white envelope with purple writing. No, it can't be. I use a paper towel and lift the envelope up. Underneath are pictures.

I feel the world spin and I grab on to the table. "Donna. Call Leo. Tell him what's going on. I'm going to find Josh." I go to Josh's room.

Are those pictures ever going to stop haunting us? I couldn't sleep for a good week because those pictures haunted me. I still wake up sometimes with nightmares about what Josh went through with that woman.

I don't bother to call out Josh's name anymore. Now that I know what he is hiding from I don't expect him to answer. That I can say is the only thing I can expect in regards to this situation. I realize that he isn't going to be in plain sight and I start by looking under the bed.

Nothing but some dust bunnies. I notice the night light that is by the bed.

Next is the closet. Nothing but a pile of clothing. I shut the light off and the clothing seems to glow. Could he?

I slowly start to remove the clothing from the pile. "Josh?" I call softly. "It's Toby. I need you to answer me. Are you in there?" I uncover most of him.

He is huddled in the far corner of the closet. Knees to his chest his eyes closed and a flashlight on in a death grip. "Josh. You need to answer me."

He opens his eyes and looks at me. He looks so scared. Like when we first confronted him about this. Could he be remembering all of this now? He moves his finger to his lips. "Shh." He whispers. "Can't let her find me."

"Who Josh?"

"Her. I don't know her name. She hurts me Toby. I'm scared. You gotta leave. She'll hurt you too."

"Josh, you are safe."

"No, not safe. She can find me. She always finds me. She's gonna know you know and then the press will know. There are pictures. Don't tell CJ."

I take a breath. "Josh. She's gone. I promise you. The only people here are me and Donna. Do you want me to get Donna in here for you?" She's normally a calming figure in Josh's life.

"No. Not Donna. She'll get ideas." He taps his forehead. "Can't trust her."

"Do you trust me?" Let's start basic.

"You're Toby. I can trust you. You won't hurt me."

"Good. I'm going to go and talk to Donna. I'm going to tell her that you aren't here and that she should go home. Then it will just be the two of us. Is that okay?" I have to get him out of the closet. He needs help. The best bet would be to get him to trust me. It will be easier in the long run.

"You won't tell her I'm here?"

"No. It will be our secret. I will even close the door."

Josh seems to think this over before agreeing. I close the door and put a piece of clothing in front of it. This way if Josh bails I'll know right away.

Donna is pacing in the kitchen with the phone to her ear. "He just came back." She says as she passes me the phone.

"Hello?" I say into the phone.

"Toby. Have you found him?" Leo asks me.

"Yeah. He's hiding in his closet. He's scared. I think he remembers what happened."

"Do you want me to call his therapist? Have him meet you over at Josh's place?"

"No. I'm going to try and take him into the office. It's probably the place that he will feel the safest. I doubt he will come out of the closet otherwise."

"Donna told me about the pictures. She is going to bring them in."

"Good. I'm going to try and get Josh, but Leo, no females. He won't even let me tell Donna where he is. I asked him and he was scared."

"Okay. I'll make sure that the way is clear of females."

"Thanks Leo."

"Take care of our boy."

I calmly explain the situation to Donna. She is more than willing to head in first with the pictures. She says she understands, but I can tell the rejection hurts. Once she is out of the apartment I go back to Josh.

I'm happy to see that he is still in the closet with the flash light on. I get back on the floor to talk to him. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I only studied psychology because I knew it would be helpful in the world of politics. I'm hoping that I can apply it here.

"Josh?" He slowly looks at me. "It's just the two of us now. Why don't you come out of there?"

"Can't. She'll find me. I don't want to be hurt anymore."

"She isn't here Josh. It's just you and me. I promise you."

"No. She will be here soon. She is going to hurt me. She has bad toys. I don't like her toys. They hurt. Spiky hurts the worst."

"Josh, you are safe."

"No, never safe."

Okay, this isn't going according to plan. Step one. I got to get him to trust me. "Josh, do you know who I am?"

"Toby."

"Good. You know I won't hurt you."

"I know. But you aren't her. She is the one who hurts."

"I promise you that she isn't here. And that she won't hurt you. Do you believe me?"

"She can find me here. Please leave me. If she sees you she will hurt you too. I don't want you to be hurt."

Josh is almost hysterical. I think that it's time to move on to Step Two. I got to get him in a safe environment. "So let's go some place that is safe."

"No place is safe. She can find me."

"Josh do you know where you work?"

"The White House."

"Correct. Do you want to go there?"

"Can't she knows I work there. She calls me there, sends me notes."

"We can make sure that she can't get in touch with you. The Secret Service won't let her in the building. We will make sure that you don't get any phone calls or letters without it being screened first. Does that sound okay? Will you go into the office with me?"

"Everyone there will know." Josh starts to cry now. I am really scared. "I can't let them know. If they know she will tell the press. I don't want anyone to know. Please don't tell anyone."

"Okay. I won't tell anyone. We won't even go to your office. We will go to mine. No one will find you in there." Note to self, call Leo, and tell him where we are going to be. "Does that sound okay?"

"She knows my car. She watches for me."

"We'll take mine. We will also pack some clothing and you can change in the lockers downstairs so that you won't have to stay here."

"Yes less time I am here the better. Got to get away." He starts to get up. His clothing is all dirty.

I put a hand on his knee to stop him. He jerks away. "Pull out some extra clothing. I need to make a phone call."

"You're going to tell her where I am." Josh backs up into the closet again, like a terrified animal.

"No. I'm calling Leo. I think that we need some protection for you. That way she can't get to you. How does that sound. We want to keep you safe." So I'm feeding into his delusion. For now I think that this is the best. At least until a professional can deal with him.

He nods and I call Leo.

**Leo's POV**

This is never going to leave us alone, is it? We will never escape. He will never escape. It will always hang around his neck. Like the Mary Marsh incident, like the shooting, like the press briefing. At least this isn't as public. Although I think that if it was it would have left us alone by now.

I pick the phone up once again and place a call to the secret service. They promise me two, male guards will be waiting at the door. They will escort Josh and Toby to Toby's office. They will also make sure that there are no females in the corridors. There are two others who are going make the cost is clear for Josh.

I know that I am going out of my way for Josh, but he needs us. Needs me. He has no father left. Even that was public for him. The president and I have been trying to fill that roll for him. But it's hard. There is just something about Josh that makes you want to help him. Something in his eyes. I've known him since before he was born. The death of his sister changed him. But the death of his father had hurt him more.

"Secret is in the building Mr. McGarry. He is being taken down to shower." The secret service man in my office tells me. I look up. There is so much that needs to be done.

"Tell Toby to call me when he can." The man nods as I pick up my phone. I first call his psychiatrist. I quickly tell him what's going on. He will be here in ten minutes he says. Good. I put my head down on my desk. I'm getting too old for this. But I can't stop now. I need to tell three more people about this latest set back.

I don't know which one is going to take this worse. Scratch that. I know for sure it will be the man in the next office over. Sam is going to be bad too. I call Donna and have her tell CJ. That saves me one more headache.

Toby's phone call allows me to procrastinate telling the leader of the free world about this. I tell him that Sam still doesn't know. He tells me not to worry. I wish it were that simple.

**Jed's POV **(weren't expecting this one where we?)

Leo looks like shit when he walks into the oval. He doesn't look like this often. But it is scary when he does. It's worse than shit. It looks like he is contemplating, fighting with himself, debating on whether to take a drink or not.

I hope he doesn't

He slowly walks in. "Are you busy sir?"

"Not at the moment. Is there something I can help you with Leo?" I stand up.

I watch him fall into a chair. I go to sit in the one next to him. "When is your next meeting?"

This is definitely not good news. "Charlie?" I call. He opens the door. "Who do I have next?"

"Nothing. Just have to finish those letters and then you are free." He answers. He glances over at Leo before looking back at me. Charlie is a good kid. And he's smart. He knows that something is wrong.

"Okay." I dismiss him. Good I can totally focus on Leo at this moment. Once the door is closed I look back at my friend. "What is it Leo?" His head is resting in his hands which are on his knees.

"There were pictures. We told you about the pictures. We thought we got them all." He is talking softly. I have to lean in to hear him. "But there was one other set. I don't know how many more. I don't know how they got to him. Or how she mailed them. It is being looked into."

"Leo." I interrupt. "What pictures? Who mailed them? Who got them?"

He looks up at me. He has tears in his eyes. I've rarely seen this man cry. When he does it scares me. "Josh. That woman. The one who, did the thing."

No. No no no no no. I will not allow this to happen. No. "Where is he?" I ask. I need to know. Josh is special to me. All my senior staff is special. But Josh was shot because of me. He wasn't with his father when he died because of me. And then that thing with the woman. I knew something wasn't right, but I kept pushing him. Making him continue working. Not giving him the chance to ask for help. Not looking deeper into his problems. I should have brought it up with Leo and Abbey.

Abbey would have noticed that something was wrong. She still doesn't know what happened. This was one of the few things that I have kept from my wife in all our years of marriage. It didn't feel right at the time. And she was out of the country at the time. But she is here now. And she is going to want to know what's going on. Josh is the son that she never had.

She always wanted a boy. I just couldn't give her one. So we adopted Sam and Josh. We know that Sam will follow in my foot steps more than Josh will. But Josh is closer to our daughters and that brings him closer to our heart.

"Josh is with Toby now. Josh is showering and then it's to Toby's office. His psychologist is going to be meeting him there soon."

"Who else beside you and Toby know of this?"

"Donna. She is going to tell CJ. I still have to tell Sam. He isn't in today. So I'm going to call him at home."

"Leo. If you want I can call him." I don't want to put anymore on Leo than I have to. I can make a phone call.

"No sir. I can do it. I think that it has to do with me."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"I don't know. I, I have to tell Sam. Make sure Josh and his doctor are okay. Should probably look in on Donna and Toby. There is also how the pictures got to him. I don't know." He puts his head back in his hands.

My friend is falling apart right in front of me. I can't think of anything to do to help him. Help him or Josh. I'm the leader of the free world and I can't help two of my friends. I have never felt so powerless.

I should tell Abbey about this. I don't think I can keep this quiet. But there are some things that I need to do first. "Leo. I hate to say this but do you think that Josh is going to be able to work?"

"Oh god. I didn't even think of that. I should probably get some one in that office. Need to come up with a reason that he isn't here."

I put a hand on my friends shoulder and he stops rambling. "Don't worry about it. Sam and CJ can work on a statement in regards to Josh. What did we do when Josh was first attacked?"

"Ed and Larry ran the office. With Donna's help of course."

"Then that's what we will do. As for Sam, page him into the office. We can tell him when he gets in. Let's take this one step at a time." I say this for his benefit as much as mine. "I need to tell Abbey what happened. She doesn't know the truth but I have to tell her now. Are you going to be okay? Or should I stay?"

"Go. You are right. Abbey needs to know. I'm going to go and get Sam in here. As well as making sure that CJ is okay. Toby is going to come by when Josh is settled.

**Sam's POV**

I glance over at Toby. He looks worse than I feel. Dr. Bartlett is cleaning the scratches on his face and neck. At least his nose stopped bleeding.

I move my line of vision over to where Leo and Josh's psychologist are standing. Donna and CJ are getting us all some coffee. I really want to be over there hearing what's going on but being I can only see out of one eye I'm more than content to stay here.

It's a good thing that I came in when I did. Toby couldn't have handled Josh by himself and I couldn't see anyone else, except maybe on of the guards, help. As it is, Toby and I look like we were just on the loosing end of a bar fight. I thank god that there is no one here today. It has to be a miracle.

I take a deep breath. Oh that hurt a little. I think my breath hitched because Dr. Bartlett just looked back over at me. This is probably what would have happened 8 months ago if Josh was fully functioning when we cornered him in his office.

Poor Josh. I wonder what's going to happen to him now. He isn't going to be okay to work here anymore. At least not for a while. He didn't even recognize his doctor. His mind was still stuck back eight months ago. I thought that we were done with it. I know the doctor said that this might happen, that he would one day remember what had happened. He wanted to work with Josh on remembering it all. But Leo and Toby thought it was better to leave well enough alone.

I knew they were wrong. But no one listens to me much here. And now we could have hurt Josh more than we could have helped him.

"Let me see your chest." The first lady pulls me back to the present. I put the ice pack down and unbutton my shirt. Where did that black and blue mark come from? "You should probably go for some x-rays. Make sure nothing is broken." She is looking at both of us.

"As soon as we know what's happening with him." Toby motions to his office. His office where Toby and I had to man handle Josh before the psychiatrist decided to sedate him. Josh is currently passed out on Toby's couch.

I look at the first lady. She isn't happy. I can't tell if it's that Toby and I are hurt, that Josh is sedated in the other room, or the whole situation that we lied to her about Josh and his stay in the hospital for a month.

My opinion is that it's all of the above.

It seems that everyone is back. They are converging where we are. I look up at CJ with one eye. She shakes her head as she and Donna hand out the cups. This isn't going to be good. The psychiatrist goes back to Toby's office and closes the door.

"Josh is going to be taking some personal time. Dr. Sullivan knows of a place out west that might be able to help him with everything. If not everything then to at least deal with some of it. We don't know when he will come back or if he will come back. Dr. Sullivan is making the arrangements now.

"I'm going to charter a private flight to take Josh out there. He is going with a detail. They are going to keep him sedated during the trip. We aren't to have any contact with Josh. Any contact will be initiated on his end. I will be getting updates everyday.

"Donna, Ed, and Larry are going to run Josh's office again. They did fine the first time and I think that they will do well again.

"CJ, you Toby and Sam will come up with something to say to the press. They all know that Josh suffers from post traumatic stress disorder. Use that.

"Abbey, how are they?"

"Toby and Sam should get some x-rays. Just to make sure that there is nothing broken." She is disturbed by this.

I think we all are. I take a look around. Donna looks like she is about to cry. I can see that CJ is trying to think professionally about this but still worrying about Josh. The first lady looks pissed and upset. Leo looks.

I don't know Leo looks like all the wind has been knocked out of him. I stand up and put a hand on his shoulder. "You okay?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "I have to tell the president, then call in Larry and Ed and tell them what's going on. Make sure Josh has nothing too pressing going on." His voice just travels off.

"CJ and I will work on a statement to the press. Then I'll give those two a call and let them know." Donna says giving Leo a hug.

"I'll go with you to talk to my husband." Dr. Bartlett puts a hand on Leo's shoulder as Dr. Sullivan comes back out of the office.

"It's all confirmed. All we have to do is get there. This is where they want us to land if it's possible. They will have an ambulance there waiting for him. I'm going to go and get him settled."

"Let me get the flight taken care of. There will be a detail." Leo walks to the other side to make the phone calls. Dr. Bartlett goes with him for support.

"The facility knows. They are okay with it. They are used to the extra security. They deal with high profile faces all the time." I think this is said to waylay all our fears. "I know that Mr. McGarry told you not to contact Josh while he is away. You can send him letters though. They will be read through first by his doctors to make sure it is okay for him. Don't expect an answer back right away though. The doctors there will keep Mr. McGarry updated on Josh's condition. If you excuse me there are some things that I need to take care of before we go."

I don't like this. Not being in touch with Josh. It doesn't seem right. He needs to know that we are there for him. That we are not forgetting about him. That we don't hate him or that we aren't angry at him. That all we want is to get him better. We tried to explain that to him before he was sedated, but he wasn't very receptive.

I steel another glance at Toby. This has bothered him too. He doesn't like Josh being out of our line of site. We've kind of formed our own little family here. The president and Leo are our fathers. The senior staff and our assistants, we are all like siblings. It was really hard when Josh was shot. It was a bit harder when Josh was unconscious for that month. This will be almost too hard to bear. We won't be able to talk to him, or visit him when ever we want. All we are going to be able to do is write letters.

Before I know it there are tears in my eyes and CJ has me in a hug. Toby and Donna come over to join us.

A hand rests on my shoulder and squeezes it. I know that grip. I look up as does the rest of the circle the four of us are in. "They are taking Josh if you want to say good bye." The president says.

We turn around to see Josh strapped in a wheel chair. His head has fallen forward and there is drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. I kneel down by the chair. "Hang in there Josh." I hug him as tears start to fall down my cheeks again.

I watch as the rest of the family says some parting words to Josh's lifeless form. Even the president kisses his forehead.

Dr. Sullivan starts to wheel him out to one of the side exits. One that no press would be at. Unconsciously we all follow. We stand outside as the secret service load Josh into the waiting car.

The closing of the door makes me jump. How come this all seems so final? Will I ever see Josh again? If I do will it be the same Josh? Probably not. There goes my best friend and there is nothing that I can do for him. He is hurt and scared and I am stuck here. This is just like last time. I don't like this feeling of helplessness.

I'm still standing there after the car pulls away. Toby puts a hand on my shoulder. "CJ and Donna are going to take us to the hospital. We can discuss the statement on the way." He leads me away from the driveway and from what might be my last memory of Joshua Lyman.


End file.
